#writing
Part 1: Interaction with Revisions
Paragraph Development Task
User’s Original Paragraph:
I moved to Canada mainly for my career. Since English is widely spoken here, I can communicate with people from different backgrounds. Additionally, Canada is a country rule by law so I don’t have to worry about harassment from the government. Despite many challenges, I didn’t regret my choice.
Revision:
I moved to Canada mainly for my career. Since English is widely spoken here, I can communicate with people from different backgrounds. Additionally, Canada is a country ruled by law, so I don’t have to worry about government harassment. Despite many challenges, I have never regretted my choice.
Comments:
– “Rule by law” → “Ruled by law”: The past participle “ruled” is needed for correct grammar.
– “Didn’t regret” → “Have never regretted”: Present perfect is better to indicate an ongoing experience.
Expanded Paragraph Task
User’s Original Expansion:
People here are born in different countries, but in my company, we all speak different degrees of English, thus we can understand each other and make concerted efforts on big projects.
Revision:
People here come from different countries, but in my company, we all speak English at different proficiency levels. This allows us to understand each other and collaborate effectively on big projects.
Comments:
– “Born in different countries” → “Come from different countries”: More natural phrasing.
– “Different degrees of English” → “Different proficiency levels”: More precise and commonly used in English.
– “Thus” → “This allows us to”: A smoother and clearer transition.
User’s Additional Expansion:
My coworkers have different religious faiths and come from different cultures. Sometime misunderstanding cause embarrassment. But as long as we respect and try to understand each other, we always can overcome these obstacles.
Revision:
My coworkers have different religious beliefs and come from diverse cultural backgrounds. Sometimes, misunderstandings cause embarrassment. However, as long as we respect and make an effort to understand each other, we can always overcome these obstacles.
Comments:
– “Religious faiths” → “Religious beliefs”: More common usage.
– “Sometime misunderstanding cause” → “Sometimes, misunderstandings cause”: Correct pluralization and adverb usage.
– “But” → “However”: More formal and smooth transition.
– “We always can” → “We can always”: Correct word order.
User’s Conclusion:
I came from a comparatively homogeneous society. Moving to Canada is a culture shock to me. Diversity and inclusion in this country makes it worthwhile and rewarding.
Revision:
I come from a comparatively homogeneous society, so moving to Canada was a cultural shock for me. However, the diversity and inclusion in this country have made the experience both worthwhile and rewarding.
Comments:
– “Moving to Canada is” → “Moving to Canada was”: Past tense fits better.
– “A culture shock” → “A cultural shock”: Correct adjective form.
– “Makes” → “Have made”: “Diversity and inclusion” is plural, so “have” is required.
Part 2: Final Revised Paragraph
I moved to Canada mainly for my career. Since English is widely spoken here, I can communicate with people from different backgrounds. Additionally, Canada is a country ruled by law, so I don’t have to worry about government harassment. Despite many challenges, I have never regretted my choice.
People here come from different countries, but in my company, we all speak English at different proficiency levels. This allows us to understand each other and collaborate effectively on big projects. My coworkers have different religious beliefs and come from diverse cultural backgrounds. Sometimes, misunderstandings cause embarrassment. However, as long as we respect and make an effort to understand each other, we can always overcome these obstacles.
I come from a comparatively homogeneous society, so moving to Canada was a cultural shock for me. However, the diversity and inclusion in this country have made the experience both worthwhile and rewarding.
Notes 
Leave a comment