#writing

Part One – Paragraph by Paragraph Refinement

Paragraph 1

• Original:
  One afternoon during the SARS in 2003, I flipped open a book, The Great Gatsby, and was struck by the opening lines. It said, “Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.’” I was enlightened by this sentence instantly and read it over several times. I was a cynical youngster at the moment, and never realized my judgement towards other people could be unjust. From then on, I began to see people and things around me from a more understanding perspective.
• Revised:
  One afternoon during the SARS outbreak in 2003, I flipped open a copy of The Great Gatsby and was struck by its opening lines. It read, “Whenever you feel like criticizing any one, … just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.” Those words enlightened me instantly, and I found myself reading them over and over again. At that moment, I was a cynical youngster who had never realized that my judgments of others might be unfair. From then on, I began to see people and the world around me with greater compassion and understanding.
• Reasons for Revisions:
  • Added “outbreak” after SARS for clarity.
  • Changed “a book” to “a copy” and italicized The Great Gatsby (to indicate a book title).
  • Formatted the quote properly with consistent quotation marks and spacing.
  • Rephrased the sentence about reading the text to improve flow.
  • Reworded the observation about being a cynical youngster to clarify that the judgments were unfair, and enhanced the final sentence to express a broader, more compassionate perspective.

Paragraph 2

• Original:
  When I found annoying behaviors from other people, I tried to restrain my instinctive distaste and figure out they might have their reasons to do so. Once when I was browsing in a bookstore, a young lady was sitting on the floor and leaning on a bookshelf and blocking the isle. She didn’t budge when I tried to pass. I admitted that I was upset a little but I didn’t say a word and used another isle. Later when she stood up and walk, I noticed she was lame in her right leg. I felt my face was burning like a fire. Meanwhile, I felt lucky not having said any harsh words. Gradually, I became more temperate and less critical of others. Furthermore, I began to see the situations of people in a broader context.
• Revised:
  Whenever I encountered annoying behaviors from others, I tried to restrain my instinctive distaste and consider that they might have their reasons. Once, while browsing in a bookstore, I noticed a young woman sitting on the floor, leaning against a bookshelf, and blocking the aisle. When I attempted to pass, she did not budge. Although I felt a twinge of upset, I chose not to speak and simply walked down another aisle. Later, when she stood up to leave, I realized that she had a limp in her right leg. In that moment, I felt my face burn—not from anger, but from a mixture of empathy and relief that I had not resorted to harsh words. Gradually, I became more temperate and less critical of others. Moreover, I began to see people’s situations in a broader context.
• Reasons for Revisions:
  • Changed “When I found annoying behaviors from other people” to “Whenever I encountered annoying behaviors from others” for natural phrasing.
  • Corrected “young lady” to “young woman” for a more neutral tone and fixed “isle” to “aisle.”
  • Reworded “She didn’t budge when I tried to pass” to “When I attempted to pass, she did not budge” to clarify the sequence of events.
  • Rephrased expressions of upset and adjusted the description of her limp for sensitivity.
  • Enhanced the emotional description by clarifying that the burning sensation was due to a mix of empathy and relief.
  • Combined and transitioned the final ideas smoothly with “Gradually” and “Moreover.”

Paragraph 3

• Original:
  People tend to attribute their accomplishments to their hardworking, giving less credit to the resources they possess and the luck during the process. Correspondingly, they blame people inferior to their laziness without considering their humble starting points. People without higher education have much fewer opportunities in the job market, so why don’t they go to college to get a degree? To those born in a family with no one ever finishing high school, it is a luxury. Junk food makes people fat, so we should eat healthier and go to gyms to keep fit. For some, junk food is the only one they can afford, let alone the free time and money for the gym. Seeing that, I understand only a small portion of what I have is the result of my diligence. Loving parents, healthy body and mind, social-economic status of my family, the time I grew up in, and some lucks all contribute to my possession. It made me humble and grateful. Whenever possible, I try to help those less fortunate a little, as least I won’t point fingers recklessly. In today’s polarized world, mutual understanding and empathy are in dire need. But without it, our species will fail to leave a better world to our children.
• Revised:
  People tend to attribute their accomplishments solely to hard work, giving little credit to the resources they have or the luck that played a role along the way. Likewise, they often blame others for their perceived laziness, ignoring the fact that many start from humble beginnings. For instance, those without a higher education face far fewer opportunities in the job market, so asking, “Why don’t they just go to college?” ignores the reality that for families where no one has ever finished high school, higher education is a luxury. Similarly, when people say junk food makes people fat and that everyone should eat healthier and join a gym, they overlook that for some, junk food is the only affordable option—and they may not have the free time or money for a gym membership.Seeing this, I understand that only a small portion of what I have is the result of my own diligence. Loving parents, a healthy body and mind, my family’s socio-economic status, the era in which I grew up, and a bit of luck have all contributed to my advantages. This realization has made me both humble and grateful. Whenever possible, I try to help those less fortunate, making sure not to point fingers recklessly. In today’s polarized world, mutual understanding and empathy are desperately needed; without them, we risk failing to leave a better world for our children.
• Reasons for Revisions:
  • Revised the opening sentence to clarify that accomplishments are not solely due to hard work.
  • Reworded the second sentence to replace “blame people inferior to their laziness” with a clearer, more neutral phrasing.
  • Combined the rhetorical question about college and the explanation regarding family background into one cohesive sentence for clarity.
  • Rephrased the sentences on junk food and gym access to express the idea more naturally.
  • Reworded the personal reflection to enhance clarity and flow, correcting “social-economic status” to “socio-economic status” and “lucks” to “a bit of luck.”
  • Combined final thoughts with a semicolon to show the connection between mutual understanding and the need to build a better future.

Part Two – Complete Revised Version

One afternoon during the SARS outbreak in 2003, I flipped open a copy of The Great Gatsby and was struck by its opening lines. It read, “Whenever you feel like criticizing any one, … just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.” Those words enlightened me instantly, and I found myself reading them over and over again. At that moment, I was a cynical youngster who had never realized that my judgments of others might be unfair. From then on, I began to see people and the world around me with greater compassion and understanding.

Whenever I encountered annoying behaviors from others, I tried to restrain my instinctive distaste and consider that they might have their reasons. Once, while browsing in a bookstore, I noticed a young woman sitting on the floor, leaning against a bookshelf, and blocking the aisle. When I attempted to pass, she did not budge. Although I felt a twinge of upset, I chose not to speak and simply walked down another aisle. Later, when she stood up to leave, I realized that she had a limp in her right leg. In that moment, I felt my face burn—not from anger, but from a mixture of empathy and relief that I had not resorted to harsh words. Gradually, I became more temperate and less critical of others. Moreover, I began to see people’s situations in a broader context.

People tend to attribute their accomplishments solely to hard work, giving little credit to the resources they have or the luck that played a role along the way. Likewise, they often blame others for their perceived laziness, ignoring the fact that many start from humble beginnings. For instance, those without a higher education face far fewer opportunities in the job market, so asking, “Why don’t they just go to college?” ignores the reality that for families where no one has ever finished high school, higher education is a luxury. Similarly, when people say junk food makes people fat and that everyone should eat healthier and join a gym, they overlook that for some, junk food is the only affordable option—and they may not have the free time or money for a gym membership.

Seeing this, I understand that only a small portion of what I have is the result of my own diligence. Loving parents, a healthy body and mind, my family’s socio-economic status, the era in which I grew up, and a bit of luck have all contributed to my advantages. This realization has made me both humble and grateful. Whenever possible, I try to help those less fortunate, making sure not to point fingers recklessly. In today’s polarized world, mutual understanding and empathy are desperately needed; without them, we risk failing to leave a better world for our children.